soul searching

honestly not trying to ignore this blog here.  so much crazy stuff has happened lately, i can’t even wrap my head around it myself.

two weeks ago i went on a soul searching adventure.  i found myself exploring washington dc, los angeles, and san francisco and in the process i observed relationships and home lives and constantly asked myself questions of what do i want in life and who do i want to be.

i found myself constantly revisiting the ideas of writing and film work, eating healthy and being more active, and wanting to live simply and more naturally.

with all of this soul searching, i’ve also begun to date someone.  which is kind of a first, well… as in properly dating someone.  my head is trying to wrap around all of these ideas and thoughts and questions and feelings (as well as trying to find the time to sleep and eat.) but as tired as i find myself in the middle of the day, i’m on an adrenaline high, as if i’m working on a film set.  it’s good, positive things to think and feel.  there’s a lot of “what if’s” floating around, but now i have several options of what those “what if’s” are instead of drawing blank pictures here.

so much… so much…

xoxo.lindsay

crush

i have a bit of a crush… and it makes me all flushed in the cheeks and nervous and excited and happy and scared… all at the same time.

i will try to cherish these moments of awkward silences and curiosity (and perhaps anxiety) of what is around the corner.  it’s not everyday that these ‘school girl’ crushes come along.  (in fact, it’s been a good 4 years since i last felt this way.)

it’s kind of fun… all of it.  is it not?

hmmmm…. perhaps more thoughts later to come.

-lindsay

like crazy

when i was in high school i met this boy.

i’m not sure if i loved him, but i did feel very differently about him then i did about anyone else.  something just felt like we understood each other, that we were two very different people from everyone else, even from each other, but i felt very safe and comfortable to open up to him.

i don’t think neither of us were ready to be more than friends.  i think we needed to go away from each other and work on ourselves a little bit more.  i think we both needed more experiences and more to learn and more time to change how we viewed the world and how we lived in it. i think we just needed to know more about ourselves first.

so we stopped seeing each other.

and now we’re out, we’re doing our thing, becoming our own, and we haven’t spoken in a very long time.

sometimes i get very scared of this thought.  scared that i’ll never see him again, scared at myself for going on so long and still thinking about him from time to time, scared at the idea of dating anyone else and possibly settling down, scared of commitment, scared of possibly being immature about the entire situation, scared that he never wonders about me.

i’m scared that i’ll write blogs like this in order to tell him that i miss him, and that he’ll read this but not reach out to me.

i think that i’m scared i won’t feel that with anyone else, and i’ll never be able to fully love someone like that, and that i’m going to live a very lonely life.

most of me isn’t lonely.  i barely have time to know myself, let alone someone else. i don’t look at men with the intention of flirting with them or dating them.  i’m too career focused, or too focused on keeping myself alive and somewhat happy, so it’s not an overly huge issue that i wake up by myself or have no one to hug when i need too or no one to look forward too at the end of the day.

but i’m scared that feeling will never go away.  that i’ll either always be too busy, or too scared, or waiting for the boy who i hope is no longer a boy since i no longer seem to be that girl.

i realize that i’m still young and have plenty of time to experience all of this, but even time doesn’t seem like enough right now and i find myself constantly wondering about this.

just a thought…

-lindsay

to become immortal, and then die

it’s been awhile, has it not?

i guess i’ve just been forming new thoughts and theories.

today i want to talk about doing what is good for you and what is good for what is around you.  two very different things here.

i’d be lying if i said i didn’t want to make everyone happy.  i do.  perhaps it’s narcissistic of me to say that i have a kind heart, but i genuinely want what is best for everyone.  i want you to be happy, and that stranger to be happy, and myself to be happy.  i know… wishful thinking.  so you ask yourself, do i make myself happy or them happy? and you always should answer yourself, and then you feel awful and obligated and selfish for that answer and it makes you rethink.

i love my job.  i want to think that i’m part of the reason the workplace is the way it is.  i’d like to improve my job and benefit from it and give 100%.  somedays (or months) i have off periods.  i’m tired, i’m burnt out, i’m numb.  but i always seem to spring myself right back to basics and make it known to myself what really matters.

i had an issue come up at work today about me eventually leaving.  for me, it’s a ways off and not even a subject on my mind right now, but to work it’s an issue because sooner or later, i will no longer be working there.

i’m not going to leave because i hate my job or because i’m not benefiting from it, this has never been the case with me.  when i leave a job, it’s because i’m ready to move on.

i only have one life and the idea of having one job or one lover or one place to call home isn’t my cup of tea.  if that is yours, i am only so jealous and envious and wish i was so simple and not so ambitious (because i tend to dig myself deep sometimes.)  but there’s something in my blood and my soul that i can not explain.  it’s a hunger.  a hunger for what?  for travel, for the moon, for fame, inspiration, love, adventure, curiosity, and awareness.

i have a feeling i could do great things for the company i work for in long terms, and receive just as great of things in return.  i’m being promised security, support, inspiration, and a decent (somewhat) wage.  but it’s that hunger that keeps me hungry.  i’m never satisfied or content, and as money-breaking and mental strength this drains me, i am so thankful to never be satisfied because it allows me to keep pushing myself and keep learning and discovering and going and going and going.

some days i worry about becoming tired, and some days i am very tired. but i just keep repeating, “be the flame, not the moth.” someone told me that the moon was impossible to reach, and though i’m sure it isn’t, if it don’t try then why do i even get up in the mornings?  there is nothing in life if i don’t attempt to reach.  i have to keep myself occupied somehow… don’t i?

so.  how can i make you happy and how can i make me happy?  i breathe.  i say a few choice words and then i zip it and listen.  i learn to compromise even if it takes a little more effort and awareness on my part (but only if you give the same effort and awareness in return.)

  all this could be for nothing (and i suppose it is since we’ll succumb to death anyways) but like someone said in a film i watched last night, godard’s breathless…

“My greatest ambition in life is to become immortal, and then die“

something that very few of us (monroe, jobs, jesus, shakespeare, etc… ) has achieved.

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

photo via ici

we’ll always have paris

i suppose it’s extremely cliche for a gal to dream of living in paris.  the fashion! the food! the men! but for me, paris isn’t just a dream… it’s this feeling in my chest.  this warmth, this loveliness, this desire.

i remember the train pulling into the gare de lyon and stepping off with my giant luggage, gazing up at the ceiling, smelling the air, and being there.  in paris.

you always see pictures of the eiffel tower, but the first time you see it in person you can’t gasp, or blink, or even breathe.  you just look at it, and there it is, and here you are, and nothing else in the whole wide world matters.

my study abroad was the best thing i’ve ever done for myself.  that’s when i think i really started to get to know myself.  i fell in love with france, but i think the love was there the entire time, i just didn’t know it.

to say i’ve looked into moving to paris is an understatement.  i’ve contacted all of my french contacts, and american contacts with french contacts, i’ve look into schools, language programs, au pair programs, working abroad programs, visas, paperwork, so on and so forth.  i’ve studied french, read books, and acquired the french lifestyle the best i can.  i’m constantly hitting the french wall which reads “you’re not welcome here” and yet i still continue walking into it.

i haven’t found my outlet yet, my lucky strike, but it’s out there.  it’s bound to be.  if i don’t live in paris i’ll always regret it, and if not now… then when?

*sigh* paris is coming.  it really is.  it’s one thing i won’t take no for an answer.  did you ever want something so badly that it’s in your blood?

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

A Letter to the Editor

this blog is perhaps for the freudians or the nuthouse.  but if you find yourself in neither than it is not your place to judge, nor is it my place to care.

This is for God.  Or the Universe.  The Egg.  The Cell.  Or the Star.  It is for whoever or whatever created all of this.

I question my sanity.  Is it natural to ask all of these questions?  To feel these feelings?  To explore these thoughts or theories?  I pray to stay sane, safe, fulfilled, and curious.

If it is wrong to feel temptation, then why was it created?  If it is wrong to question morals, or go against morals, or even follow morals, then why is it even possible to question, go against, or follow in the first place?  Nothing seems so wrong or evil to create a feeling or thought if it is unnatural or wrong to feel or think it.

I am a soul.  Perhaps within a female body, with feminine preferences, and the ability to think of myself as a woman or a person.  But really I find myself just to be a mind, a heart, and a feeling.  Love, money, hate, or curiosity wouldn’t even exist if it were unnatural or wrong to do so.  I feel like whoever or whatever is the creator wouldn’t be so cruel as to let these things exist if they weren’t meant to be felt, thought, questioned, or acted upon.

Why do I feel morals?  Why do I feel scared or happiness or ethics?  Somehow, this world and all it’s occupants have created this lifestyle of family, love, money, and work.  Somehow we’ve created social status and power.  We’ve created life as a game.  And though I may have finally realized this, and realized that I don’t want to play this “game” this way, then why make it impossible for my surroundings or my sanity to do so?

Perhaps it’s selfish to say I only want to feel strength and no pain, or only love and no hate.  I realize we don’t grow that way.  But let me find my own pain and own hate through my own faults, not because I’m obligated to my father, my manager, the clerk cashier, or the stranger.  I owe you nothing and you owe me nothing in return.  We are all here to fend for ourselves.  If we are lucky enough to find harmony, unity, and love with others, then so be it.  Thank you for the most amazing gift, feeling, and experience to ever exist.  But if we are not to find this, and come across a clashing, then why does it even exist at all?  Why are we all so blind?  So selfish?  So hungry and so curious?  Why are people unhappy and why do others die lonely?

I know that in today’s world nothing would ever be done if there wasn’t power or money or love, but how and why did it get to this point in the first place?

Whoever, whatever created me and life, the egg, or the star- you did it for a reason.  It’s not that I’m not thankful for the opportunity.  I am going to take it and run with it.  I aim to live the most amazing, crazy, interesting, thought-provoking, feeling induced, emotional life ever.  But if I am going to fully appreciate this life and what you’ve created, then I’m going to need some help.  That’s all I’m saying.  Help from people, from connections, from thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Help from motivation, inspiration, and luck.  We need to work together here.

So.

Let’s shake hands, shake it up, run wild, discover, feel, and live the way it was intended to be lived.  I’m not in this game for play and pretend, I’m in it for fulfillment, completion, and because I want to create my own rules and happiness.

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

the art of unknowing

you might have noticed the pattern that i’ve been a debbie downer lately.  maybe not so much on this blog, but i’ve been asking a lot of questions and really exploring life and what it takes to live it.  it’s pessimistic to say that nowadays i have 6 terrible days out of 7, or 22 crappy hours within 24.  very little gives me joy and satisfaction these days.

but just this now, at a most unusual hour, i found happiest and wanted to share.

i have this friend.  let’s call him T.  i met T a few years back in college.  we had some classes together and shared some of the same hobbies.  T and i never make plans to see each other outside of our run-in’s.  it’s not that we don’t like each other enough to make plans, i just think we have a one-on-one relationship, and he might not enjoy himself within my surroundings and i might not in his.

T and i are very alike and very very very different.  but there’s something special about our relationship.  when we’re together, he gives me 100% of his attention and interest, which therefore in return has me give him 100% of my attention and interest.  and we just have the best conversations.  it doesn’t matter that we haven’t seen each other in a few months or a year or even two years.  it’s always as if we saw each other yesterday, only we have completely different situations to talk about.

i saw T a few months back this summer.  i was sitting outside at a cafe on my lunch break, reading a book, when he walked by.  and there it was, that conversation.  he looked skinnier, i looked sadder, and you could tell that the past 2 years had been a ride for the both of us.  but there we were, smiling and being genuinely content with our company.

tonight i worked until 9 which that never happens.  but as i was walking to the car, within an empty square, there sits T, clean cut, in a fitted blazer, smoking a cigarette, and smiling at me.

i walk over, sit down, and 30 minutes pass.  i watch him.  he looks good.  better.  “what are you doing here?” i asked, amongst other reasons he replies ,”brainstorming.”

i can’t tell if it’s our friendship and we just have this connection to talk and socialize and enjoy ourselves when we’re around each other, or i can’t tell if that’s just him.  if everyone get’s this attention and has this connection as he pulls you into the art of conversation, therefore making him just a really talented person that i could only strive to have that affect on others.

as we’re talking i’m always thinking, “i enjoy this so much, why don’t we schedule to meet up and talk” but then i think it might take away from the magic of it all.  that magic of seeing someone you haven’t seen in forever, and though they may look different or be going through different situations, they’re still the same, and so are you, and nothings changed.

that special connection to have with a practical stranger, who isn’t.  it’s moments like that where i find happiness.

and so we said our goodbyes.  we didn’t say “you should call” or “let’s get together sometime” because there’s no need for that.  it’s understood that whenever the next time we see each other is, it’ll still be the same, and just as enjoyable.

so i walked away with complete unknowingness of when i’ll see T again, and complete happiness in that unknowing.

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

(photo via here)

what’s in a name?

names are quite silly aren’t they?  especially when people say “you look like a lindsay” or “you look like a so and so… ” do i?  do i really?  i know we feel this great obligation to our names, because it’s our name! it’s on our birth certificate. it’s official.

  well.  i think it’s time to change.  at least for me.  i’ll never consider changing my first name because yes, i do feel this obligation and that i am lindsay and i’ve become lindsay and i’ll always be lindsay.  but i want to talk about last names.  first off, females normally change them when they get married from tradition (and i’m old school and like this tradition, but really it’s quite silly to take the man‘s name *insert feminist lindsay here*)  with my last name however, i don’t really have a strong connection to it because i’m not close to that side of the family.  i mean, it’s my name, but is it me?  i don’t feel any connection to it and not quite sure if i want to have any obligations with it.  i’ve contemplated changing my last name for some time and there are a lot of reasons why i haven’t done it yet.  family, paperwork, conscious…

but now i feel like i’m really coming into myself and i think a new last name that’s my own and that’s appropriate for me is needed now.  it will still be a good few years until i do this, but at first i wanted to change it to something similar (so the change won’t be too drastic) and something with the right amount of syllables so it flowed nicely, but now come to think of it, if i’m going to go through all the trouble of changing my name, it really ought to be something extraordinary and fabulous.  don’t you agree?  like gatsby or monroe or wilde!  houdini or antoinette or van gogh!  of course i can’t take any of these because i don’t want to be a copy cat, but it does have to be as grand.

all this time i feared that changing my name would lose that part of myself (especially my scottish heritage) but i’ve really accepted and come to terms with myself that it’s more like gaining myself than losing myself.

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

“when one realizes that his life is worthless he either commits suicide or travels”

i need a new location.  i’m hungry for travel.  i love savannah, i really do.  i love the pace and the weather and how laid back it is.  i adore it’s dawns and dusks and i love walking through the squares and passing the park and so on.  but it’s time to move on.  the problem is, i’m not sure where.  do i want to be even more secluded and laid back and move to the mountains of asheville, where i can write my book and regain my sanity?  do i want to continue my film career and move to the sunshine land of los angeles?  perhaps i want to be more indie and organic and outdoorsy and go somewhere like san francisco or portland or salt lake city.  if you know me, then you know that i long to be french and stroll amongst the streets of paris, but without the money or job, how will i get there?  (school isn’t really an option because of money, and au pair programs just seem so fishy.)  and am i really meant to live in paris?  or maybe i just want to travel there… a lot.

i wish i’d find my eureka on this subject.  something that feels natural and right and settles my stomach.  that “yes, this is where i need to be” feeling.  right now i feel like location is more important than jobs.  my parents strongly disagree on this subject.  “go where the work is, at least you’ll have a job and you can move wherever you want to later.”  something seems so unsettling in these words.  all throughout college my career was my number 1 priority.  “i want to work work work” i use to tell myself.  but now, since i’m looking at work as more of a lifestyle, i don’t want to go where the “job” is.  i want to go where the “life” is, the right atmosphere, the right mixture of openness and city life, the quiet when i need it, and music where i want it.  i need a lot of light and not too many cold days.  i want to live somewhere where i can be outdoorsy, because even though i am far from being an outdoorsy person, i know that i one day will.

right now i’m being selfish, apart of the generation me, and telling myself that working on improving myself and some of my goals is more important than a career right now, because i might not have the time later on to do that.  gosh, it’s not so much even “work work work” now.  like i mentioned in an earlier post, i don’t want a “job” i want a cohesive lifestyle.

does anyone have advice?  i need to get traveling out of my blood, but i also need to become serious, because right now i’m on the path of a different location every year, which is nice but it’s also expensive and there’s really no sense of permanence.  i don’t really look for a boyfriend or friends or make my apartment feel like “home” because i know that it’s only temporary and won’t last.

i desperately need time, answers, and money.  i need energy, creativeness, motivation, and connections.  i just need a little push. how can a broke, 23 year old artist, see the world and figure out her place in it?  how can i go on my eat, pray, love adventure?  advice?  anyone? please? i desperately need it.

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay

in a timely fashion…

though weeks and days and months don’t really seem to mean much to me currently, i’ve recently revisited my thoughts on time and days since a special december 25th is coming up.  all religious associations aside, why do we stress this day so much?  why is this one, single day the day we give people “presents” to express our love for them.  why can’t we do this everyday?  since when did this day become all about gift opening?  why do we spend over a month with rosy cheeks and dreams of mistletoe when once it’s finally here, it’s over.  the magic is gone.  we can all go home and breathe a little and look at the extra space in our bank accounts.

when time did mean something to me, i decided that my weeks began on sunday.  if you think about it, sunday mornings are always calm and peaceful and just a little bit brighter, while saturday nights are fun and electric and playful.  why not begin and end your week this way?  we dread sunday nights because we know when we open our eyes it’ll be monday morning, and we hate monday morning because a new week and all of its dreadful possibilities are ahead of us.

why do we measure goals and days and specifics in weeks?  or years?  the year you were 21 or 32 or 59.  how much stuff you can get done within the next hour.  the possibilities of your body changing within the next 5, 10, or 50 years instead of minutes?  college is scary, not because you live away from your parents, but because you’re not seeing them everyday, and with every break you get they suddenly become a little bit older, and so do you.

yesterday a customer came into the store, a very pretty and attractive early 30-something year old.  she expressed to me how she can’t wear certain things anymore because she’s getting older and “it sucksssssss.”  maybe i’ll feel differently in 10 or 20 years or when i see that first gray hair, but i was thinking “man! getting old allows you to become so much more daring and riskful.” a 20 year old could never pull off pearls and gloves with painted on eyebrows and silk printed head scarves, but a 70 year old totally could.  you can be as crazy as you want and people will ride it off because you’re old.  viva la maude!!!  (and if you haven’t seen harold and maude, maude is the perfect example of how we should live in our senior days.)

we shouldn’t fear time.  in fact, i don’t think we should really think of time as time at all.

i love to sleep.  i’m a lucid dreamer so nothing is better than vivid dreams and being all warm and nestled in your bed, where you’re away from work and phones and lights and thoughts.  but it occurred to me this weekend that though our bodies physically need sleep, sleeping sucks.  we only have this one life, with so many things to learn and so many places to go, yet we “refuel” by sleeping.  so i did some research, 7 1/2 is the magical number of hours of sleep we need.  did you know that people who sleep 7 1/2 hours each day can live longer than those who sleep more than 8 (and albeit, probably know more.) so if i have the opportunity to sleep longer than 7 1/2 hours (Which i usually do) i’m just going to set my alarm and train my body to sleep this long.

tomorrow and today shouldn’t matter or be separated by the act of sleeping.  so how can we alter our image of time and get more out of life?

just a thought…

xoxo.lindsay